at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
