He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
FUCK WHALES
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