OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
