I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
