look no pants
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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