He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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