You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
