I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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