Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
