wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
