Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
