I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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