God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i out mim tonsoeep
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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