i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
