ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
