I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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