he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
