Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
