I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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