No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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