I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You ruined the universe
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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