How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
