"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
