What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
