His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
