Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
