You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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