i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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