If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
