It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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