and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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