She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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