She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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