So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
