Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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