You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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