I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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