chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
