my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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