If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
