I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
