Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
