her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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