It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
