Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
