Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
