my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
