Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
