I can tuck mytits in my pants
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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