when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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