last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
