Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
