I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
