just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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