i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
